My little secrets

Sometimes, I feel like a pathetic lady. My biggest desire is to be sealed to Sammy for time and all eternity and it's all I've been able to think about the last ten months and now, I've reached the end of my rope. I'm going crazy. I just want it so bad, and it makes me feel pathetic that I can't seem to move on.

Today, I don't want to be a grown up.

I get really mad whenever I get emails from the suicide prevention team I used to volunteer for. It always makes me feel so stupid that I was being taught daily the signs of suicide and depression and then I was blind when it was right next to me.

I've been letting my fear get the best of me.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Venting on here feels better than paper.

Bad boys

I was talking to some friends at work today, and they were wondering why all the new girls are crushing on the same lead and we couldn't come to any conclusion. It's not like he's a bad guy or anything, it's just every. single. new girl. hits on him. Then on the walk home in the parking lot while I was trying not to get hit by a car, it hit me. It's because he looks like your classic bad boy. He's got the scruffy facial hair, messy yet styled hair, wears his hole ridden pants to work even though it's against the dress code, and so on. Maybe that's not the classic bad boy, but he's got that bad boy vibe going for him.

Right after this thought, I had a talk with my friend. She was telling me how she's sick of falling for the bad boys who just need lots of attention and so on. And I said something along the lines of, Isn't that what every girl secretly wants? That bad boy who will turn into that perfect prince once he falls for you? Because you're that amazing?" And then I smiled, because I realized that's what I'd been looking for with previous boys I dated, and then is exactly what happened with me and Sammy.

Let me take you back. Two and a half years ago when I met Sammy he was a completely different person. If you asked him if he liked the reading we were doing in class, he would have laughed. He was very self confident, not that that's a bad thing, but he knew he could kiss any lady. He only dressed in clothes that had a Hollister label on them, and was a huge flirt. (I love to tease him when we see people from our Spanish class here at college that he flirted with.) I'm not making this stuff up, just today Sammy was telling me again how we was a a completely different person two years ago.

I was a completely different person too. I was always looking for the next rush. The next way to get attention or validation from my silly friends. The next crazy thing I could do to be noticed and maybe accepted. I knew I was being ridiculous but I felt an emptiness and needed something to fill that void. I also needed to figure out who I was. I wasn't really happy, but I was full of laughs and prided myself on my rebellions.

And then Sammy and I happened. He became my best friend. And I became his. And we both liked each other for who they really were, not the pretenses put up when friends were around. We slowly started changing. I feel like the starts of these changes were there already, it just took having a best friend who supported you 100% to have the confidence to go all the way. For example, I started experimenting more with my style the beginning of that year, and went on even more as I saw that someone didn't care what I was wearing, as long as it was me.

Sammy grew a love for learning, philosophy, and the gospel. He dresses dressy on a daily basis just because that's his style, and he's always wanted to dress like that. I gave up all the things I thought defined me and started writing again, only doing things I actually wanted to do, and rediscovered the gospel. I didn't care what others thought, and neither did he.

This is all over the place. But in essence, Sammy was that "bad boy" and I was that "bad girl." But together, we became who we really wanted to be and what was there all along, just needed the help of a true friend to grow. And for that, I'm so very grateful. Plus, I can always tell people I tamed a bad boy ;) Now girls, don't go looking for those bad boys. Look for those best friends.

Through Thick and Thin

One of my favorite pictures of us :)

I've been debating whether or not to write this. But I want to. Maybe there's someone out there going through a similar thing. I find hope knowing people are going through similar things. And I'll never know if I never share. This is my story and I have the right to share it.

It's been a rough two weeks. School started back up again and along with that work. And with it, my depression and anxiety decided to act up. With some hindsight, I can see it's been slowly creeping up on me for a bit. But that's besides the point. 

What's been the worst hasn't been the actual depression. It's the fact that it hurts Sammy. That he has to go through this as well. The most optimistic person I've met has to get a look at an ugly reality. I resented watching loved ones go through depression. Not knowing what to do. Feeling so helpless. And now, there's the guilt of watching him have to go through the same thing. I've been on both sides and they both stink. 

But you know what? Between all those tears this voice keeps telling me it's ok. Not to feel guilty. That I'm not a burden. That I'm loved at the end of the day no matter what happens. And so many other encouraging things over and over. And even after I've rejected the help and tried to get through this on my own, those words still keep coming. And Sammy still loves me. 

When he met me, he didn't know what he was getting into. He didn't know the girl sitting in front of him had just been put on medication she'd come to resent and be grateful for at the same time. He didn't know that sometimes she hates doing the things she loves. And that sometimes she doesn't think she can go on. 

That's what love is though. Not knowing everything. Yet loving all of it. I didn't know Sammy loved to eat fish, when I see them as adorable pets. But I love him, I love him, and I love all of him no matter what. Through thick and thin. I know right now I'm the one who can't stand on my own, but there will be a time when he'll need me. And I'll be right here. I'll come back to these words, remember this time, and know we're getting through and will continue to do so. 

I keep having the idea to make a notebook and title it my When Times Get Rough notebook and fill it with inspiring quotes, letters, and such. I think I'll go start that right now. 

Sleep

I love sleep. Besides Sammy, it's my second best friend. It's always there for me and never lets me down. We've had some rough patches but have made up smashingly lately.

It's been brought to my attention though recently, that I am quite the odd sleeper. Take Thursday for example. I was just minding my own business, hanging out with Sammy, being sleepy and drifted off to sleep. It was a deep enough sleep that I had a dreamt. Right before I woke up I was yelling at a man that he had a Matt Damon Chewbacca beard so he couldn't be talking. Then I jerked awake and told Sammy that. Then I got sleepy again and wasn't sure what happened. When I came to again, I told Sammy about the Matt Damon Chewbacca beard man. He said he already knew about him, I'd already told him. The rest of the day for the life of me though, I couldn't remember if I'd told him about Matt Damon Chewbacca beard and I thought it was the most hilarious thing ever so I had to keep retelling him. Sweet boy kept laughing.

Today, we were in the library. I was sleepy and laid my head on Sammy's shoulder. I drifted off again, and the next thing I know Sammy's laughing asking if I'm ok. I'd woken myself up by jerking my leg and spitting, then saying I had no idea what I'm doing I needed help.

 I can't stop laughing at these two incidents. Has anything like this ever happened to you? What's your sleep relationship?

Team Gomez

I'm a part of a team. It's a very small one of sorts, in that there's only three of us. I've been under the illusion that there's only two for awhile though, just Sammy and I. But there's another member, God. I've been pretty stressed out about this next week. Starting up school again and then busy work schedule as well. The first week always stinks the most. Plus with mother nature due to pay a visit, I'm pretty nervous for the week of nine hour days standing.

Sammy's been great at supporting me and calming me down. I know with his support I can do it. We keep saying Team Gomez to get us pumped because we are a team. Being the great teammate that he is, Sammy suggested I say some prayers tonight. At first I didn't want to, feeling a bit ashamed since I've forgotten to pray for so long.

And then I just realized it. Team Gomez is a three person team. And having God as a teammate is pretty comforting. All the comfort of just knowing Sammy has my back is multiplied infinitely. If the three of us are going to be a team, I need to talk to ALL my teammates. Even if I think they know what's going on doesn't mean I shouldn't talk to them. I also shouldn't talk just because I'm feeling ashamed, this is when I NEED to talk the most. Otherwise I'm setting myself up for failure.

This is going to be a crazy week, but Team Gomez will make it through.

I love him

because he holds me while I cry. And then makes multiple tissue runs.

he'll climb into ditches with me to look for my dog.

he always knows the best fries to get.

he'll walk real slow across the parking lot with me.

holds me while I nap.

watches NCIS with me.

doesn't think it's weird I called him five times, just to tell him I love him.

goes to multiple fabric stores with me.

just loves to do anything.

dances with me in the weirdest places.

answers all my ridiculous questions.

I just love him.

Strive for Five

I got the button to work this week! Yay!  It's the second check in for Strive for Five. I have a confession to make. I completely forgot what my resolutions were, and had to go back and find them. So, I haven't been doing very hot in this department. But here we go! 1. Work on anxiety- This one, I've actually done alright with! I can't think of many major instances where I had a lot of anxiety. I've just been taking it calm, not sweating the dumb stuff, and reminding myself this is all in my head (thanks for the tip Lauren:) Now, it's PMS week, the point where my anxiety is the worst, so I just need to remember these tips for the week. 2. Exercise- Ha. This lasted for a few days. I hit the gym a few times. I tried doing some leg raises behind the counter at work yesterday though, does that count? 3. Eat real food- I'm typing this while eating fruit snacks. Hey, there's like fruit juice in them right? I've done a little better with this aspect, but sadly, not as well as I would have hoped.  4. Spiritual life- I was called to be a primary teacher, so I think that will help. And I went to a fireside this week as well, something I don't usually do. But otherwise, slacking. 5. Get published- What is writing again? I wrote this last night, and that perfectly describes how I'm doing in that respect. However, I haven't had writers block when it comes to my two blogs, so that is good. So overall, not doing so hot. But you know what? Today is a new day! And tomorrow is a new day. I was able to revisit what my goals were and be reminded of them and the little progress I've made. Progress is progress in my book, and I'll take it. See ya in two weeks!