Thursday, February 7, 2013

Bad boys

I was talking to some friends at work today, and they were wondering why all the new girls are crushing on the same lead and we couldn't come to any conclusion. It's not like he's a bad guy or anything, it's just every. single. new girl. hits on him. Then on the walk home in the parking lot while I was trying not to get hit by a car, it hit me. It's because he looks like your classic bad boy. He's got the scruffy facial hair, messy yet styled hair, wears his hole ridden pants to work even though it's against the dress code, and so on. Maybe that's not the classic bad boy, but he's got that bad boy vibe going for him.

Right after this thought, I had a talk with my friend. She was telling me how she's sick of falling for the bad boys who just need lots of attention and so on. And I said something along the lines of, Isn't that what every girl secretly wants? That bad boy who will turn into that perfect prince once he falls for you? Because you're that amazing?" And then I smiled, because I realized that's what I'd been looking for with previous boys I dated, and then is exactly what happened with me and Sammy.

Let me take you back. Two and a half years ago when I met Sammy he was a completely different person. If you asked him if he liked the reading we were doing in class, he would have laughed. He was very self confident, not that that's a bad thing, but he knew he could kiss any lady. He only dressed in clothes that had a Hollister label on them, and was a huge flirt. (I love to tease him when we see people from our Spanish class here at college that he flirted with.) I'm not making this stuff up, just today Sammy was telling me again how we was a a completely different person two years ago.

I was a completely different person too. I was always looking for the next rush. The next way to get attention or validation from my silly friends. The next crazy thing I could do to be noticed and maybe accepted. I knew I was being ridiculous but I felt an emptiness and needed something to fill that void. I also needed to figure out who I was. I wasn't really happy, but I was full of laughs and prided myself on my rebellions.

And then Sammy and I happened. He became my best friend. And I became his. And we both liked each other for who they really were, not the pretenses put up when friends were around. We slowly started changing. I feel like the starts of these changes were there already, it just took having a best friend who supported you 100% to have the confidence to go all the way. For example, I started experimenting more with my style the beginning of that year, and went on even more as I saw that someone didn't care what I was wearing, as long as it was me.

Sammy grew a love for learning, philosophy, and the gospel. He dresses dressy on a daily basis just because that's his style, and he's always wanted to dress like that. I gave up all the things I thought defined me and started writing again, only doing things I actually wanted to do, and rediscovered the gospel. I didn't care what others thought, and neither did he.

This is all over the place. But in essence, Sammy was that "bad boy" and I was that "bad girl." But together, we became who we really wanted to be and what was there all along, just needed the help of a true friend to grow. And for that, I'm so very grateful. Plus, I can always tell people I tamed a bad boy ;) Now girls, don't go looking for those bad boys. Look for those best friends.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Through Thick and Thin

One of my favorite pictures of us :)

I've been debating whether or not to write this. But I want to. Maybe there's someone out there going through a similar thing. I find hope knowing people are going through similar things. And I'll never know if I never share. This is my story and I have the right to share it.

It's been a rough two weeks. School started back up again and along with that work. And with it, my depression and anxiety decided to act up. With some hindsight, I can see it's been slowly creeping up on me for a bit. But that's besides the point. 

What's been the worst hasn't been the actual depression. It's the fact that it hurts Sammy. That he has to go through this as well. The most optimistic person I've met has to get a look at an ugly reality. I resented watching loved ones go through depression. Not knowing what to do. Feeling so helpless. And now, there's the guilt of watching him have to go through the same thing. I've been on both sides and they both stink. 

But you know what? Between all those tears this voice keeps telling me it's ok. Not to feel guilty. That I'm not a burden. That I'm loved at the end of the day no matter what happens. And so many other encouraging things over and over. And even after I've rejected the help and tried to get through this on my own, those words still keep coming. And Sammy still loves me. 

When he met me, he didn't know what he was getting into. He didn't know the girl sitting in front of him had just been put on medication she'd come to resent and be grateful for at the same time. He didn't know that sometimes she hates doing the things she loves. And that sometimes she doesn't think she can go on. 

That's what love is though. Not knowing everything. Yet loving all of it. I didn't know Sammy loved to eat fish, when I see them as adorable pets. But I love him, I love him, and I love all of him no matter what. Through thick and thin. I know right now I'm the one who can't stand on my own, but there will be a time when he'll need me. And I'll be right here. I'll come back to these words, remember this time, and know we're getting through and will continue to do so. 

I keep having the idea to make a notebook and title it my When Times Get Rough notebook and fill it with inspiring quotes, letters, and such. I think I'll go start that right now.