Saturday, February 2, 2013

Through Thick and Thin

One of my favorite pictures of us :)

I've been debating whether or not to write this. But I want to. Maybe there's someone out there going through a similar thing. I find hope knowing people are going through similar things. And I'll never know if I never share. This is my story and I have the right to share it.

It's been a rough two weeks. School started back up again and along with that work. And with it, my depression and anxiety decided to act up. With some hindsight, I can see it's been slowly creeping up on me for a bit. But that's besides the point. 

What's been the worst hasn't been the actual depression. It's the fact that it hurts Sammy. That he has to go through this as well. The most optimistic person I've met has to get a look at an ugly reality. I resented watching loved ones go through depression. Not knowing what to do. Feeling so helpless. And now, there's the guilt of watching him have to go through the same thing. I've been on both sides and they both stink. 

But you know what? Between all those tears this voice keeps telling me it's ok. Not to feel guilty. That I'm not a burden. That I'm loved at the end of the day no matter what happens. And so many other encouraging things over and over. And even after I've rejected the help and tried to get through this on my own, those words still keep coming. And Sammy still loves me. 

When he met me, he didn't know what he was getting into. He didn't know the girl sitting in front of him had just been put on medication she'd come to resent and be grateful for at the same time. He didn't know that sometimes she hates doing the things she loves. And that sometimes she doesn't think she can go on. 

That's what love is though. Not knowing everything. Yet loving all of it. I didn't know Sammy loved to eat fish, when I see them as adorable pets. But I love him, I love him, and I love all of him no matter what. Through thick and thin. I know right now I'm the one who can't stand on my own, but there will be a time when he'll need me. And I'll be right here. I'll come back to these words, remember this time, and know we're getting through and will continue to do so. 

I keep having the idea to make a notebook and title it my When Times Get Rough notebook and fill it with inspiring quotes, letters, and such. I think I'll go start that right now. 

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