Monday, May 20, 2013

My little secrets

Sometimes, I feel like a pathetic lady. My biggest desire is to be sealed to Sammy for time and all eternity and it's all I've been able to think about the last ten months and now, I've reached the end of my rope. I'm going crazy. I just want it so bad, and it makes me feel pathetic that I can't seem to move on.

Today, I don't want to be a grown up.

I get really mad whenever I get emails from the suicide prevention team I used to volunteer for. It always makes me feel so stupid that I was being taught daily the signs of suicide and depression and then I was blind when it was right next to me.

I've been letting my fear get the best of me.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Venting on here feels better than paper.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Bad boys

I was talking to some friends at work today, and they were wondering why all the new girls are crushing on the same lead and we couldn't come to any conclusion. It's not like he's a bad guy or anything, it's just every. single. new girl. hits on him. Then on the walk home in the parking lot while I was trying not to get hit by a car, it hit me. It's because he looks like your classic bad boy. He's got the scruffy facial hair, messy yet styled hair, wears his hole ridden pants to work even though it's against the dress code, and so on. Maybe that's not the classic bad boy, but he's got that bad boy vibe going for him.

Right after this thought, I had a talk with my friend. She was telling me how she's sick of falling for the bad boys who just need lots of attention and so on. And I said something along the lines of, Isn't that what every girl secretly wants? That bad boy who will turn into that perfect prince once he falls for you? Because you're that amazing?" And then I smiled, because I realized that's what I'd been looking for with previous boys I dated, and then is exactly what happened with me and Sammy.

Let me take you back. Two and a half years ago when I met Sammy he was a completely different person. If you asked him if he liked the reading we were doing in class, he would have laughed. He was very self confident, not that that's a bad thing, but he knew he could kiss any lady. He only dressed in clothes that had a Hollister label on them, and was a huge flirt. (I love to tease him when we see people from our Spanish class here at college that he flirted with.) I'm not making this stuff up, just today Sammy was telling me again how we was a a completely different person two years ago.

I was a completely different person too. I was always looking for the next rush. The next way to get attention or validation from my silly friends. The next crazy thing I could do to be noticed and maybe accepted. I knew I was being ridiculous but I felt an emptiness and needed something to fill that void. I also needed to figure out who I was. I wasn't really happy, but I was full of laughs and prided myself on my rebellions.

And then Sammy and I happened. He became my best friend. And I became his. And we both liked each other for who they really were, not the pretenses put up when friends were around. We slowly started changing. I feel like the starts of these changes were there already, it just took having a best friend who supported you 100% to have the confidence to go all the way. For example, I started experimenting more with my style the beginning of that year, and went on even more as I saw that someone didn't care what I was wearing, as long as it was me.

Sammy grew a love for learning, philosophy, and the gospel. He dresses dressy on a daily basis just because that's his style, and he's always wanted to dress like that. I gave up all the things I thought defined me and started writing again, only doing things I actually wanted to do, and rediscovered the gospel. I didn't care what others thought, and neither did he.

This is all over the place. But in essence, Sammy was that "bad boy" and I was that "bad girl." But together, we became who we really wanted to be and what was there all along, just needed the help of a true friend to grow. And for that, I'm so very grateful. Plus, I can always tell people I tamed a bad boy ;) Now girls, don't go looking for those bad boys. Look for those best friends.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Through Thick and Thin

One of my favorite pictures of us :)

I've been debating whether or not to write this. But I want to. Maybe there's someone out there going through a similar thing. I find hope knowing people are going through similar things. And I'll never know if I never share. This is my story and I have the right to share it.

It's been a rough two weeks. School started back up again and along with that work. And with it, my depression and anxiety decided to act up. With some hindsight, I can see it's been slowly creeping up on me for a bit. But that's besides the point. 

What's been the worst hasn't been the actual depression. It's the fact that it hurts Sammy. That he has to go through this as well. The most optimistic person I've met has to get a look at an ugly reality. I resented watching loved ones go through depression. Not knowing what to do. Feeling so helpless. And now, there's the guilt of watching him have to go through the same thing. I've been on both sides and they both stink. 

But you know what? Between all those tears this voice keeps telling me it's ok. Not to feel guilty. That I'm not a burden. That I'm loved at the end of the day no matter what happens. And so many other encouraging things over and over. And even after I've rejected the help and tried to get through this on my own, those words still keep coming. And Sammy still loves me. 

When he met me, he didn't know what he was getting into. He didn't know the girl sitting in front of him had just been put on medication she'd come to resent and be grateful for at the same time. He didn't know that sometimes she hates doing the things she loves. And that sometimes she doesn't think she can go on. 

That's what love is though. Not knowing everything. Yet loving all of it. I didn't know Sammy loved to eat fish, when I see them as adorable pets. But I love him, I love him, and I love all of him no matter what. Through thick and thin. I know right now I'm the one who can't stand on my own, but there will be a time when he'll need me. And I'll be right here. I'll come back to these words, remember this time, and know we're getting through and will continue to do so. 

I keep having the idea to make a notebook and title it my When Times Get Rough notebook and fill it with inspiring quotes, letters, and such. I think I'll go start that right now. 

Friday, January 25, 2013


I love sleep. Besides Sammy, it's my second best friend. It's always there for me and never lets me down. We've had some rough patches but have made up smashingly lately.

It's been brought to my attention though recently, that I am quite the odd sleeper. Take Thursday for example. I was just minding my own business, hanging out with Sammy, being sleepy and drifted off to sleep. It was a deep enough sleep that I had a dreamt. Right before I woke up I was yelling at a man that he had a Matt Damon Chewbacca beard so he couldn't be talking. Then I jerked awake and told Sammy that. Then I got sleepy again and wasn't sure what happened. When I came to again, I told Sammy about the Matt Damon Chewbacca beard man. He said he already knew about him, I'd already told him. The rest of the day for the life of me though, I couldn't remember if I'd told him about Matt Damon Chewbacca beard and I thought it was the most hilarious thing ever so I had to keep retelling him. Sweet boy kept laughing.

Today, we were in the library. I was sleepy and laid my head on Sammy's shoulder. I drifted off again, and the next thing I know Sammy's laughing asking if I'm ok. I'd woken myself up by jerking my leg and spitting, then saying I had no idea what I'm doing I needed help.

 I can't stop laughing at these two incidents. Has anything like this ever happened to you? What's your sleep relationship?

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Team Gomez

I'm a part of a team. It's a very small one of sorts, in that there's only three of us. I've been under the illusion that there's only two for awhile though, just Sammy and I. But there's another member, God. I've been pretty stressed out about this next week. Starting up school again and then busy work schedule as well. The first week always stinks the most. Plus with mother nature due to pay a visit, I'm pretty nervous for the week of nine hour days standing.

Sammy's been great at supporting me and calming me down. I know with his support I can do it. We keep saying Team Gomez to get us pumped because we are a team. Being the great teammate that he is, Sammy suggested I say some prayers tonight. At first I didn't want to, feeling a bit ashamed since I've forgotten to pray for so long.

And then I just realized it. Team Gomez is a three person team. And having God as a teammate is pretty comforting. All the comfort of just knowing Sammy has my back is multiplied infinitely. If the three of us are going to be a team, I need to talk to ALL my teammates. Even if I think they know what's going on doesn't mean I shouldn't talk to them. I also shouldn't talk just because I'm feeling ashamed, this is when I NEED to talk the most. Otherwise I'm setting myself up for failure.

This is going to be a crazy week, but Team Gomez will make it through.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

I love him

because he holds me while I cry. And then makes multiple tissue runs.

he'll climb into ditches with me to look for my dog.

he always knows the best fries to get.

he'll walk real slow across the parking lot with me.

holds me while I nap.

watches NCIS with me.

doesn't think it's weird I called him five times, just to tell him I love him.

goes to multiple fabric stores with me.

just loves to do anything.

dances with me in the weirdest places.

answers all my ridiculous questions.

I just love him.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Strive for Five

Kisses from the Mrs.
I got the button to work this week! Yay! 
It's the second check in for Strive for Five. I have a confession to make. I completely forgot what my resolutions were, and had to go back and find them. So, I haven't been doing very hot in this department. But here we go!
1. Work on anxiety- This one, I've actually done alright with! I can't think of many major instances where I had a lot of anxiety. I've just been taking it calm, not sweating the dumb stuff, and reminding myself this is all in my head (thanks for the tip Lauren:) Now, it's PMS week, the point where my anxiety is the worst, so I just need to remember these tips for the week.
2. Exercise- Ha. This lasted for a few days. I hit the gym a few times. I tried doing some leg raises behind the counter at work yesterday though, does that count?
3. Eat real food- I'm typing this while eating fruit snacks. Hey, there's like fruit juice in them right? I've done a little better with this aspect, but sadly, not as well as I would have hoped. 
4. Spiritual life- I was called to be a primary teacher, so I think that will help. And I went to a fireside this week as well, something I don't usually do. But otherwise, slacking.
5. Get published- What is writing again? I wrote this last night, and that perfectly describes how I'm doing in that respect. However, I haven't had writers block when it comes to my two blogs, so that is good.
So overall, not doing so hot. But you know what? Today is a new day! And tomorrow is a new day. I was able to revisit what my goals were and be reminded of them and the little progress I've made. Progress is progress in my book, and I'll take it. See ya in two weeks! 

Monday, January 14, 2013

writers block, I dislike you

I'm having a huge dose of writers block at the moment and it's very frustrating. I've had a month long break with NO homework, and not a lot to do. Perfect time to finish the novel I've been working on right? Right. But sadly, I have gotten zilch done and I go back to school in a week. I'm very frustrated with myself.

I was talking with my best friend from middle school and beyond, and told her my dilemma. She's a writer too, so we help each other out when we're stuck. So, I told her my dilemma, how I know what I want to happen but just can't seem to write it down. And she suggested I go to another project and work on that. That usually works for me! But, I glanced over all my other files and was like, I hate all these too. These suck. Why on earth do I think I can be a writer kept going through my head.

I feel like a chicken strip in the shape of a sea horse, if that makes any sense. 

Frustrated doesn't even cover it at the moment. It makes me so upset I want to cry a bit, but that wouldn't help anything except maybe help me come up with a new way to describe crying if I ever decide I want to write again. Ugh.

But I'll be ok. The world is still spinning. There is still food in the house. There's still four ninja turtles. Eventually this block will fade and I'll want to write again. Of course, that won't happen until I'm swamped with work and school. Oh, irony, you suck sometimes.

Does this ever happen to people in other fields? Do you ever get so stuck on the things you love, you dislike them?

Sunday, January 13, 2013

The Little Things

I'm in love with the little things. With Sammy, less is always more. We didn't go all out for our anniversary date. It was just a nice, simple day. I just love the simple things. Not having any pressure. Being able to enjoy every moment. Tonight, we were able to watch a talk by President Uchdorf, Sammy's favorite speaker. Even though we can't go to church together at the moment, doesn't mean we don't try. Every Sunday I share with him what I learned and he'll tell me about a talk or something that he read and we'll discuss. I love it a lot, and was glad that this time we got to hear the talk together. Then we spent the night watching Red with my family. What a great, simple night that I will treasure forever.

I love the little things.

Friday, January 11, 2013

My first DIY Wedding craft

I finally gave in and made a pintrest account a few weeks ago. I swore I was just going to look around, not make an account, but then I realized. What if these pictures aren't here next time I look? So then I made an account. It was both a sad and exciting day!

And now I'm working on my first wedding craft! My dream wedding involves lots of DIY crafts. I originally thought I was going to make duct tape flowers, but I just like so many colors and patterns and things that can't be accomplished with duct tape. Then I saw this.

And headed right to Hobby Lobby to get started. I'm absolutely in love. This is what I've been surrounded in all day.

It took me all day but I finally made ONE flower. I have a long ways to go from here. Luckily, I have time though. Here we go!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Our little secret

I really love this idea, so here I am, linking up once again and saying random things.

I made dinner for my family last night. It wasn't the biggest hit in the world, but it made me even more excited to cook for Sammy. I kept thinking to myself HE'D LOVE THIS!!!!!!

I cried for about an hour last night after watching NCIS. It was a very upsetting episode. Also, my mom and I think Ziva is pregnant. Why else would they randomly show her with a bun in the oven shirt and how happy she was with it, and then she made a very big deal about refusing wine. Something, is up. I hope she's pregnant!

I really need to go back to my dorm where I have no tv.

Sometimes I take pictures with Sammy's butt while he brushes his teeth. I think it's hilarious. Please excuse his panties.

Sammy hates working at Aero. Then again, I don't know many people who like working retail. Plus, he's the only man in a store full of crazy woman. 

Yes, I'm that girl who drags her boyfriend into Victoria's Secret. Hey, it was the semi annual sale, we were at the mall, and I got a really good deal! I also refuse to go shop at the Victoria's Secret that I worked at. It's just really awkward.

I got to be a group lead for a day at work, because we're training all the newbies. I didn't think that I'd like being a group lead, but I LOVED it. I get to walk around, seem cool because I know all, and did I mention walk around? I was pretty sad when I went to the back and saw that I wasn't a permanent group lead for the semester. Oh well, I'll live. 

Sometimes I think I'm like this radical fashionista. Today after watching What Not To Wear, I realized that I'm just really great at mixing colors from Old Navy. I'm ok with that. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Who said what?

We say some crazy things. Wanna guess who said what? Do you and your significant other say ridiculous things? Do I just think these are hilarious?

"You have fun at the gym. I'm going to eat these pancakes."

"The Beib's is in town, I'll have to leave really early."
"I hate fiber."

"Where's my goodbye donut?"

"Do bee's fertilize flowers with their stingers?"

"I much prefer you to the couch. You're squishy, warm, and think it's cute when I fart."

"Yeah, I hate it when I'm walking on the treadmill and feel the fat moving."
"I call that making the fat cry."

"I'm going to make you a shirt with a cow on it that says moomoo. People will think that it's referring to the cow, not my sweet nickname for you."

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Two Years

I am simply completely utterly in awe that I've been with this man for two years.

 Two years, one of which was a leap year. 731 days. And an eternity more. I simply can't wait. I can't wait to be his little wifey. To have children with him. To fight over the dishes. Then laugh hysterically at how silly we are. Go with him wherever it is life throws us. And then eventually buy a swinging bench to sit in while we hold each other's old wrinkly hands. I simply can't wait.

I never would have thought that the boy who sat behind me in trig would be my best friend. Or that he'd ask me on a first date, and DIDN'T ask me for a ride. (I got my license before all my other friends, including the boys.) Then a second. That he'd respect the fact I didn't want to see an R movie that he thought was hilarious on our third date. And that he'd pay for my ticket. GASP! Chivalry?

I never would have guessed that after the movie where we held sweaty hands, that he was going to walk me to my car. Then tell me how he felt about me. And make it official. So that only I held his hand. Only I got to kiss him. Only I knew all his secrets. Only I got to read his love letters and raps and poems to me. Only I get to be with him for forever.

I'm so grateful that things happened the way they did. That I met Sammy, and found my best friend and love of my life. 1/7/11 was the best day of life. Yay to many more anniversaries with him.

first picture we took together 

Friday, January 4, 2013


I want to be a writer. More specifically an author. So, I thought I would share some of my writing on here. This is a novel I've been working on since September. It's nearly done but I just can't seem to finish it. Go figure. Anyways, here's an except. Tell me what you think! 

For once the classroom wasn't full of exotic smells on a day we were seeing the boys. The usual excited chatter was gone as well. Yesterday's lesson still hung heavily over us. This was going to be the awkwardest meeting ever. I wondered if they'd had the lesson yesterday as well. If they were having all these lessons to prepare for union. Maybe if everything worked to plan, I'd be able to find out.
Ai and I whispered the whole way to the park, going over everything one more time. About halfway there, the fear hit.

“Ai, what if they don't feel the same?” Ai didn't have an answer for that. We were silent the rest of the way to the park. Once there, we lined up in our lines. The looks on the boys faces were all somber. That was all the proof I needed to know that they'd had the lesson as well. Anwell and Niyol came over. Gave us both half smiles. My stomach was in knots. The four of us automatically walked over to the rock, not saying a word. When we were all sitting on the rock, no legs were close to touching. Everyone stayed in their own little area. No one else was around us. The silence was deafening.

“Alright. Renata and I have something to tell you,” Ai said breaking the silence. Then she nodded at me, wanting me to continue. That wasn't how we'd originally planned this. We'd barely got here and we were already deviating from our plan. I gulped and looked around, just to make sure that no one could hear us.

“I don't know exactly how to say this. So I'm just going to come out and say it. We want to switch partners.” There. I'd said it. Anwell and Niyol just stared at me for a second. I knew the exact second they registered what I'd just said. Their foreheads scrunched up. They glanced at each other, sharing confused looks. Then they looked at the both of us like we were crazy.

“What do you think?” I asked. Them not saying anything was killing me.

“What are we supposed to think?” Niyol asked.

“Is this a joke?” Anwell asked.

“No. We're serious,” Ai said coming to my defense.

“You can't be though. They assign partners for a reason. If everyone just up and switched all the time, then there would be no point.”

“Yeah, what he said,” Niyol agreed. I'd thought they'd be hesitant but not straight out opposed. The Anwell from my dream wouldn't have been. Luckily Ai spoke up.

“Boys, honestly. Think about it. Anwell, do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with me and all that comes with that, when you could be with Renata the girl you grew up with? The two of us can barely have a conversation without me giggling every five seconds to fill in the awkward pauses.”

“Niyol, do you want to be with me? We don't even bother filling in the awkward pauses in our conversations,” I pointed out. The boys were silent to these, but they were listening. A thought popped into my head right then, and I just said it before thinking it out. Might as well say everything.

“I'm assuming from the looks on your faces that you had the same lesson we did yesterday. Remember what they talked about in the video? Attraction? Well, I'm sorry Niyol, but I just don't feel that for you.” I cut my sentence off there, letting them infer the rest. My face reddened a bit.

“Yeah, and Anwell, sorry but I don't feel that for you either.” Both boys exchanged glances.

“Say that we felt the same way. I'm not saying we do, but say we did. This is crazy talk. That's going completely against the rules. Going against the rules resulted in the fall. Do you guys want to be like those people?” Anwell said. I stared back at him. He was right. People disobeying the rules had caused chaos before the fall. Once some started disobeying, everyone did. They did whatever they wanted. They were violent. They hurt people. Some even their own children. And then it got so bad that almost everyone was wiped out. Humanity had had to start over again. And that's how the communities had started up again and all that came with them. Including assigned union partners.

I knew all this. Yet, I still felt so uneasy. I didn't want Niyol. I wanted to be with Anwell. The feeling was so intense. If Niyol was truly my perfect partner, shouldn't I feel this way about him? Not Anwell? Our numbers were so close together. What if a mistake had been made? There had to be some mistake. This feeling was so real.  

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Our Little Secret

I always sleep better at night if I know Sammy's phone is on and I could potentially call him at two in the morning if I wanted to.

I fell down the stairs yesterday and landed on my butt, hard. Now my whole back and neck hurts. But I couldn't help but laugh this morning, remembering the tail bone is called the coccyx. I'm really going to miss that anthropology class.

I got my first beard burn, and I don't know how I feel about it. Actually, I don't think it could be classified as a beard burn. But my face was getting very irritated cuddling with Sammy on New Year's Eve in the area where his beard is. What does one do in that situation? Ask them to shave? Wait for it to grow out?

Sometimes I take really cute pictures like this.

But most of the time I look like this. 

I want to lighten my hair, but I don't want to dye it. I've gone the Sun In route before, but that's why I'm having this problem in the first place. Perhaps I'll just have to come to terms that I'm not actually a blonde. 

Some days I'm scared out of my mind to get married. Not the actual marriage part, but mostly financial issues. Other days, July can't come fast enough. 

Burlington Coat factory is the best store on earth, hands down. They have the unique selections that all those hipsters find at thrift stores, but they've never been worn before. You get that awesome high after searching through all the racks and finally finding something cute. And it's cheap. Shirt pictured above was found there. It's great for dancing!

I can't dance. Many people have tried to teach me, but I just can't figure it out.

I have OCD when it comes to shaving my legs. They must be perfect.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Strive for Five

It's the new year and time for making New Year's resolutions! I must admit I'm with most of the world and usually only make it until January. Which is why I'm linking up with Lauren at Kisses from the Mrs. with her Strive for Five. Here we go!

1. Work on anxiety- My mind gets the best me, a lot lately and I want to work on that. I'm going to work on not worrying as much and just letting things go. So far, haven't been doing so well with that one. But my other resolutions will help with that hopefully!

2. Exercise, exercise, exercise!- This is always one of my resolutions. But this time I'm making my goals a bit more reasonable, and hopefully more fun. I finally gave in and made a Pinterest, and have found lots of fun looking workouts on there. My goal is to try at least one out every week, along with my biking to classes and such.

3. Eat real food- When I'm tired, the last thing I want to do is make food. Which is how I find myself having the Christmas candy on the table for breakfast. . . . I'm going to eat real food. It'll be better in more ways than one, and that little time to make food will be worth it.

4. Spiritual life- I've really been slacking here. My goal is to pray at least once every day, and read something uplifting every day. Whether it be a long quote from a general authority or a few verses. At least something.

5. Get published- This has been a lifelong goal, and this year I want to do it. I've finished quite a few stories that need a whole lot of work to be a novel. But I have the rough drafts done. My goal is to get something published this year, whether it be a short story or a novel.

And there's my five. Can't wait for the next check in to see how I'm doing!